No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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