im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
