i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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