There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
