how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
