I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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