I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
