Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
