he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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