i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
