I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
