I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
