And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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