Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
