She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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