i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
