I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
