the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
