look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You are a genius and a whore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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