Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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