Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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