I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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