So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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