My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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