i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
