You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
