i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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