we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I deserve this hangover.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
