i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
