but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
