omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im calling her cock vulture from now on
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
