he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
