Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
