The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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