i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
