Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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