Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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