I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
