Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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