I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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