I have demons in me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
