ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
