so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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