i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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