I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
