I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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