My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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