Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
