The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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