Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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