yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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