Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
