so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
