if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize