"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
