Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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