Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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