Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
