I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he just fucked me for my cheese..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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