Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
