I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
