using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
