Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
