take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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