Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
